I had ideals in my head for parenthood - in the most cliche manner ever. I wanted to breastfeed exclusively, build a bond so strong through that and...well, save some pennies with breastmilk. Plus, it helps lose weight.

Then I realized that ideals do not exist. They are ideals for a reason and the last thing actually in parenthood is for things to go according to plan.

I did what everyone else said I should do, the textbooks, gynae and graduate mommies. 

Skin to skin contact 

I made it a point upfront to tell my gynae I wanted skin to skin contact. For him to nurse to get the colostrum flowing. And that was perhaps the only thing that went right after birth.

Liquid gold is colostrum

My colostrum did not arrive till Day 2 or 3, each time the nurses came to mutilate my nipples, I was in pain. Nothing came out, zilch. Fine, I got the pump to stimulate and latched the baby too. Repeatedly.

And yes, newborns do have a reserve that lasts 1-2 days but afterwhich nobody quite prepares you for the kind of milk intake they want. Wrong latch, sore nipples, engorgement and a wailing baby plagued me for my 3 day hospital stay. I succumbed to supplementing with the first 15ml of formula at 5am in the morning and then victoriously extracted my first 1.3ml of colostrum after 2 hours of man handling my nipples.

When I was extracting amounts in single digits, here comes the damned PD saying that his intake should be at 30ml per feed. Hallelujah? It felt like I would never catch up.

Lactation consultants

I saw the in house lactation consultant, returned for help even and also hired an external one from another hospital to help me out. Thank god for the house call we paid for, blocked ducts is real and rock boobs are a reality.

Pump, latch and be a cow

They all say demand begets supply. At 4 weeks post partum my supply hadn't soared by leaps and bounds yet. Heck, I already lost out in this race to even meet his demands...let's not talk about excess even. Yes, I cannot produce enough to feed my son and that was the truth.

Pump and latch regularly to empty the boobs?
Domperidone to up supply?
Fenugreek supplements?
Lactation cookies?

Done all of that. And no, I am still no where near storing enough for rainy day.

The truth hurts

That there will be some mummies who naturally do not have oversupply, rather under supply and I beat myself up horrible on most days for having to rely on formula. The guilt from day one - having to see him lose more than 10% of his bodyweight and then get diagnosed with breastmilk jaundice, kills.

Breast milk jaundice is one of the pathological reasons behind jaundice and the more breastmilk he takes, his levels soar. What an irony.

Bottle? Syringe? Cup?

And on top of the stress of already not producing enough milk, here comes the next hurdle - how to feed him? I resisted the bottle for a good 4 weeks, because of nipple confusion. I hated having him cry until my nipples drip yet it did signal I had some form of a supply.

Syringing is not for everyone - my son in particular refused the syringe from me but would lap it up when Grandma did the honours. Here in lies the biggest problem, Grandma works and when she does...he goes nuts because the boobs do not feed him as well as Grandma's finger does! The science behind the syringe is - using a finger to stimulate the nipple and syringe to inject the milkflow.

I wish...

The happy problem of oversupply was mine to worry about. But the grass would always be greener on the opposite pastures.

He knew how much I'd have wanted him to be exclusively breastfed.

I tried to the best I could have, and more even.